my week has been unusually gloomy; mostly because of dark clouds that have kept the natural light in our home at an all time low. i'm regretting not having more recessed lighting installed. i didn't realize how solar powered i can be.
that thing they say about mothers (and fathers) forgetting about the difficult parts of early parenthood quickly is so true. i forgot what it feels like to be this exhausted.
not "sleepy", or "tired," or "i just need a quick nap to refresh myself" tired. no, i'm talking about full on new mama exhaustion. "i haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row for over a month" exhaustion. "this is worse than jetlag, because at least with jetlag there isn't a small person literally sucking energy out of me," exhaustion.
i forgot how that newborn scream starts to really get to you after a while. i forgot about leaking breasts, and the disappointment of trying to squeeze into jeans too early, and being afraid that exercising will hurt.
i forgot about how little appetite i have during this time; how hard it is to find the motivation to eat more than crushed ice, (am i alone here? that's all i want.) and how when you do find something that looks good to eat, it gives your baby gas, and then that poor little newborn scream that makes you want to bash your head against the wall starts up again.
i've been trying to teach teddy not to holler at me when he wants something. trying to keep my own voice calm, i'll say, "hey. do we scream at mama?" to which he responds (usually sullenly) "no." today, in the middle of a colicky scream, teddy calmly said to vivienne "hey vivi. do we scream at mama?"
he's a good boy.
last night i took him to chick-fil-a for a little one on one time (because it's close to our house, we're basic, and that's okay), and he was thrilled to have all of my attention. he smiled and waved at strangers, (way out of his character, since he's such a shy little boy), and at one point he gleefully yelled "we love food!!!!" at the top of his lungs, making several people look over at us and chuckle.
it's true. we do love food.
it was such a fun date, just him and me. but after we'd eaten our chicken, and finished climbing up and down the slides, my chest started feeling full and heavy, and i imagined gideon rocking a crying one month old after a long day of work during the busiest part of the year for him. i sighed, and told teddy we needed to head home. the happy smile left his face for a moment, and then returned when he said, "we need to go see that dada, and that vivi." he bounded off towards the door, still happy and cheerful; more than i could say for myself, because i knew what kind of a night i was in for, and i'm just not in love with all of the parts of the newborn stage.
it's true-- this stage has mostly beautiful parts to it. those tiny little flinchy smiles. the curled up toes. that feeling of a newborn melted onto your chest perfectly. the snores! oh, i love the snores. that feeling when they finally, finally fall asleep after what feels like hours and hours of rocking, and you get to lay your own head down. i love being a mom so much more than i ever could've anticipated.
it's hard though. it's not all perfect, and there are times you want to rip your hair out, or punch a hole in the wall, particularly when you're under slept. and that's okay. (as long as you don't actually punch a hole in the wall, because that gets expensive real quick.) the downs make the ups higher, i think.
when i look back on teddy as a newborn, i don't remember it being perfect. there's one vivid memory i have in particular; gideon finding me in the living room around 4 in the morning, tears streaming from my eyes as i rocked a crying teddy exhaustedly. as gid took one month old teddy into his arms and gently told me to go to bed, i remember whispering in broken sobs "i can't do it." over and over. i meant that i couldn't get teddy to go to sleep, but i think i also meant i couldn't be a good mom. looking back, it seems so desperately pathetic, but that's how it gets sometimes.
i could keep writing about this, but i'm just going to finish with three thoughts:
1. this part is hard. and that's okay.
2. i don't like it all the time. and that's okay too. i can be a good mom without loving every second of motherhood.
3. we love food.
happy wednesday friends.