Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dance Log 8

I've been postponing writing about dance (as I know several of you have noticed), because I've been feeling super poopy about it lately. I go to class, sweat, and then pout on the way to my car because I feel like I didn't do as good as I could've done. I'm such a pooper.

And who wants to write about that on a regular basis? 
... who wants to read about that on a regular basis?

 Not me. And I'm guessing not you. 
Thus, I've been procrastinating.

I'm glad we talked about this.

 Today it rained on me all the way walking to class. My feet were wet. My hair was wet. My nose was cold, and I had this make up song stuck in my head with a repeating line of, "I hate ballet, ballet, ballet. I hate ballet in the cold. It was pretty catchy.

And you guessed it: poopy.

When I walked into the class, I peeled off my wet outerwear and sat down on the cold floor as I put on my socks and massaged my feet in preparation for the torture they were about to encounter.

As I began my stretches, I noticed some unfamiliar faces. Visitors? No. They were wearing tights. Class began and "the others" shyly found spots in the barre. I thought there would be some introduction; something to explain why half way through the semester we suddenly had 3 extra people in our class, but there was nothing.

Our warm up exercises went unexpectedly well. I felt like a rock star, and noticed our teacher watching me with a "you're not actually too bad" look on her face. One of the newbies who was standing closely to me asked me questions in between exercises, and to my great surprise, I knew most of the answers. Hello neuromuscular alyssa! Where have you been the last three months? Our warm ups were over, and it was time to do our exercises at the center. I followed our fearless teacher and tried my best not to cheat or mark the exercises. I've made a goal to do everything full out. It's harder than I thought it would be. Then I heard something completely unexpected.

One of the new girls standing beside another new girl watched a few of us do the combination in a group, and I heard her whisper, "Alyssa looks like a swan. Look how smooth she moves." Ok. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Didn't you say earlier in your dance logs that there are three alyssas in your ballet class?? Maybe new girl was referring to one of the other alyssas." Trust me, I thought the same thing. But, today was the first and only day that I was the only alyssa to attend class. And our teacher made a few comments and called me by name. New girl was definitely talking about me.

It just made me feel so good. I know I'm such a yo-yo when it comes to this stuff, and I'm sure you guys are just sick of hearing about me having a good day, then a bad day, then a horrible day, etc. It must get pretty annoying, and I don't blame you if you grab a puke bucket every time you see that I've posted a dancelog.

But her comment really really made me feel good. I remember my first day in class; how uncomfortable I felt, how inferior to the other dancers (who I referred to as swans, if you remember). Today, someone thought I looked like a swan. Me. The puppy splashing the swans. And it just made me feel really good. Even if I know I'm still a far cry from the level of the other 1/2 of the girls in my class. The rest of our exercises, I tried my very best to live up to the compliment, and I had just a lovely class period.


It's interesting. When I started dancing in college, I hated it. I felt like I was the worst dancer ever, and I hated being bad. Throughout the following four years, I worked my way up to feeling like dance was the most fulfilling thing ever, and I didn't know what to do without my company. I felt like I was valuable, even a leader in the company. Then I graduated. A year passed. Then another 6 months. And when I started this ballet class, it was like starting dance all over again. I felt like I was the worst dancer ever. And I hated being bad. But that's how it's always going to be. You work your way up, and then find yourself at the bottom again. Cliche as it is, it's not about the destination. It's about the journey. And I feel like my journey is getting back on the happy road. And yo-yo, as I am, I'm excited again.



And I really really really hope my next dance log is this positive.

Happy Tuesday, lovely friends.

8 comments:

  1. For me, one of the hardest things about being a mother is all those yo-yo feelings you described in regards to dance. I admire you for your amazing fortitude and courage in staying in the ballet class and working so hard at it. In my non-professional opinion, you looked like a swan before! You must be really amazing now!

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  2. Love you and always think you are a swan!

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  3. fyi: I was there on your very first day of dance at byui and I thought you looked like a swan then. Or at the very least maybe the most graceful gymnast I'd ever seen :) I remember it clearly. You're I think the only one I remember from that audition. You're wonderful.

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  4. Thank you for your kind words, friends. I'm so lucky. :)

    Whit, I remember you on my first audition day too!
    I was terrified to talk to you in all your beauty and dancerness,
    but you were so sweet to answer my questions and help me.
    I'll never forget that audition.

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  5. JOY IN THE JOURNEY! thats all for now. :)
    live long DA 08-09 RUSSIA!!!

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  6. ALYSSA! I love this post. I have definitely felt the same way about dance. It is the biggest joy in my life (besides my cute husband of course), and I am so happy when I hear the joy it brings others too!

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  8. Definitely a leader in the company, and showed me what it's all about. You and Gid will always epitomize BYU-I for me. We all need those people. And, that's why I still love to read your blog- you just keep doing it.

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