Sunday, February 5, 2012
letters to the past...
A friend of mine inspired me with her post of letters written to ex-boyfriends, and I thought I would make an attempt of my own. I picked five influential relationships I've had, and got to writing. Amazing how memories bring floods of emotions, isn't it?For those of you who will secretly or publicly think this is weird: I love my husband very much and do not think of my ex-boyfriends on a daily basis. Just when the idea is given to me...
C- Such a crush on you when I was a kid. You were my first crush, actually. Remember that time I accidentally dropped my brown bag paper lunch and after all the contents spilled all over the cafeteria floor you handed me my string cheese? Then you sat next to me and offered me your fruit cup. Be still, my eleven year old heart. You wrote me a note and folded it into the shape of an airplane. It had six words written that I've never forgotten: "You are really pretty and cool." There was also a smiley face. I probably read more into it than you'd have meant for me to. Like I said, you were my first crush. Too bad you moved in the 5th grade. I was devastated for almost two weeks. (Thank heavens I had 90s television boy stars like JTT and Corey Matthews to fill the void in my heart where you had been.)
ps- I ran into you my first semester of college at texas tech. fraternity boy. drunk as a skunk. heavens, you were so much cuter when we were kids...
M- (sigh) I'm so glad I got over you. Really, I never thought it would happen. It took 2 years for me not to feel like someone had punched me when your name was mentioned. Years. That was the impact you had on me. You were actually the first boy I cried over. I was eighteen. You were twenty two. Goodness, I was crazy about you. Blinded by those gorgeous eyes, that charming southern personality. You were the first boy to tell me that you loved me. Do you remember that? You probably don't. I thought I would pass out- I practically had a hot flash right there in your truck. For one reason or another, I couldn't repeat it back to you. In hindsight it's clear that I dodged a major bullet. Isn't that how it always works though? Sometimes I'd have these bizarre fantasies of us growing old together underneath a Texas sun. Then I woke up. Thank goodness I did. Hope everything worked out for you, M.
J- You'll always have a fond spot in my memories from undergraduate years. You were the constant friend who was right on the borderline of being something more, if one of us would have made any kind of miniscule move. Remember that song on the guitar I sang that you loved? You often said it could have been our song. It kind of was. I didn't tell you, but I wrote it precisely about us; about our odd yet comfortable friendship. I figured if I admitted writing a song about you, you'd get freaked out. That's actually a lie- I was much more worried I would get freaked out. There was this poetic nonsense about you. You were so willing to make fun of yourself, but there was secretly so much more to you than you let just anyone see. A soft, sincere side. Intense passion for what you believed in. Insecurity about the future. It was actually quite unfair; I should have opened up to you more. I think I was too distracted by how much fun I had with you. When you find her, I hope it's everything you ever wanted it to be. No one deserves it more.
C- I've gone over the last words we had so many times. Tried to imagine how I might change it. We were so similar it was maddening. Both so unforgiving. So stubborn. Do you remember that summer night we counted shooting stars? You'd told me your feelings weeks earlier, and I insisted that you were confused. Yet there we sat, counting the stars, and listening to that awful country music that you loved so much. I pretended that there really was nothing between us for so long. I know it drove you insane. I don't blame you for the whirlwind of emotions that made up our relationship. The helplessness. The excitement and anticipation. The jealousy and fear. And it went on and on, didn't it? Even while we dated other people, it was ever present. And then you finally gave me an ultimatum. I answered in silence, but you heard me loud and clear, as though I had screamed my answer to you. Whatever it was, whatever it had been, on and off, off and on- It was definitely over.
I never told you, but a few nights later I drove to your apartment. It was snowing. I got out of the car, walked to your door and held up a cold fist, ready to knock for what seemed like an eternity. I was prepared to tell you I was wrong- you'd been right all along, and I wanted to give it a shot after all. Then I chickened out. And then I never talked to you again. I feel like we're both lucky I got cold feet. I realized it when you married her. She's completely opposite of me; and so very perfect for you. And look at the life you have together. I can't explain how I know, but I do- I was never supposed to be with you. Still, you're unforgettable. So many lessons learned, and for that I am ever grateful.
Gideon- I've gone through it in my head over and over. So much of me wonders how on earth we ended up together. Part of me feels it couldn't have happened unless it was supposed to happen. I know we don't believe in soul mates, but I secretly think you're mine. Not in the "we know exactly what the other one is feeling and thinking at all times" way, but in the "you fill in everything that I'm not in the best way possible" kind of way. Would that be like a reverse soul mate? I don't know how I know, but you're the one for me, even if it means we have totally opposite tastes in music, food, style, movies, books, etc.
It took me so long to trust you. Goodness, it took me so long to just see you. Straight in front of me for so long until we danced right into each other. I'm so glad you sat me down that night. I'm so glad you told me how you felt, even if your face was redder than I'd ever seen it, and I was sincerely concerned you might be having some sort of medical issues. I'll never forget that night. It still holds such magic to me- the anticipation and excitement of something new. The fresh lack of baggage and drama.
I loved the night you kissed me for the first time under an umbrella in the rain. I loved the evening you confessed that you loved me. I'll especially always cherish the night you got on one shaky knee and asked me to be with you forever, but that first night- that will always hold something unique that I hope we never lose. I hope you're always as excited to see me, and that I'm as excited to see you. I hope I still make your cheeks red from time to time. I hope you still kiss me in the rain for years and years to come. And I hope we grow old together forever. And then some.