Wednesday, November 7, 2012


My friends will sometimes tease me about quirky little qualities that I possess. For instance: I eat fruit snacks. Alot. I go out of my way to step on crunchy leaves. I like fancy pajamas and foreign films. And sometimes (all the time) I buy cute outfits for my future babies. Then my friends call me baby hungry. Sigh.

Somedays I can't wait for a baby. Most days Gid really can't wait- he's significantly more baby hungry that I am... Maybe that's what this post is really about- thinking about what an incredible dad my husband will be makes it super hard to not constantly have babies.

But other days, like when I hear a two year old tantruming in the candy isle in the grocery store, I remind myself that we've got pllleennty of time. And Gid and I are lucky- in the sense that we've never felt pressure from family or friends to start our family. That is until recently. I've held off writing this post, because a) it's difficult to write exactly how I've been feeling, and b) I'm not sure if I'll keep feeling this way, or if its just going to be a phase.

I've had friends have babies before. When my sweet friend Courtney had her little guy, I was absolutely thrilled for her and begged for more pictures on facebook. When my cousin had her first (and then second) little girl, I was ecstatic for her, but still felt no pressure. I've had several of my dance/college friends have children, but have never regretted my decision to pursue my graduate school (though I am still of course excited for them). And when my sister had Mimi, though I truly fell in love with her baby lips and chubby thighs, there was still no burning within me to have a baby.

Then my best friend called me with unbelievably exciting news: she was pregnant. And as excited as I was for her, and I mean genuinely excited (to the point of running around the room screaming), something pinched.

Brittany and I were roommates during the majority of our college years and had often had late night discussions of our dreams for the future. She'd often muse about having a canadian house full of well fed children impeccably dressed. I'd dreamily talk about a career in dance, living independently, and finding myself in paris. When we got married (two weeks apart from each other), I wondered how long it would be before our kids were best friends just like us.

As Brit's pregnancy developed, and she started to look like she actually had a baby growing in her, the strange feeling I'd had when she first told me the news was replaced by even more excitement than I'd felt before, which- to be honest- relieved me. I was a little nervous that the pinch I'd felt earlier was jealousy, and the last thing that I wanted was to be jealous of my best friend's blessing. I'd gush with Brit over nursery details, and baby names, until finally, she had her sweet little Autumn.

A few days after returning from the hospital, I had a webchat with Brit and her baby, and the pinch gently returned. It was at that point that it hit me- for the first time in my adult married life I'd felt like I had been left behind. And it sort of made my heart ache. Brittany had been with me through so many important times of my life- she helped me study for tests, get ready for dates (she picked out the outfit I wore on Gid and my first date), heck- she even helped me make the decision to end (one, two, three) weird relationships. Brit helped me get ready on my wedding day. And I helped her get ready on hers. I don't know why, but I just assumed we'd help each other through pregnancy as well. I guess it just didn't happen the way I imagined it would. And here I am- thinking about my thesis topic while I write on my blog. Brit is probably changing a diaper that smells like marshmallows (her baby is so sweet, I can't imagine it smelling otherwise). And I'm not jealous. (Brit- I swear!)

I'm just, for the first time, a little hungry.
Which makes my dieting for the next few years a little rough.
...I think I'll go eat some ice cream.

Hape this wasn't too weird of a post today, friends.


  1. Oh Alyssa! THis blog made me cry! I too thought we'd go through pregnancy together and help each other out. I hope it isn't a phase and that you get pregnant right away- and as you are freaking out wondering how you are going to manage it and if the baby will want to dance etc. Ill be there for you to (as always) let you knowhow amazing of a mother you are going to be and that Gid and you could not produce anything but the choicest spirits! I love you dearly! And little Autumn could not love her aunt more! We have got to web chat soon! ooo.. and her blessing is this Sunday. I wish you were here to love her to bits and take pictures! THe funny thing is, I WAS just changing a diaper and it certainly didn't smell like mashmellows...this kid is cute, but her poop is not!

  2. Yay for honest blog posts! I admire those who can be so open

  3. Remember me, Alyssa?

    You're cute & funny. I have to say I stumbled upon your blog awhile back & come browsing occasionally. I have a little opposite pinch when I visit your blog & am living vicariously through you. You see I got into the U's modern program twice & it just didn't happen. Graduate school was always on my bucket list. And when I saw on your blog you got in & then started at the U's program I felt an uncomfortable almost painful pinch. A little jealousy, yes. So now with my 2 girls & baby 3 on the way I often wonder if a graduate program will take my 35 year old, unflexible self someday. I've learned that my unfulfilled dreams have determined my destiny & have created a beautiful life for me anyways. I would not give up my babies for the world & hope someday I'll manage to dance again & get over my occasional bitterness that Heavenly Father didn't bless me with a talent like singing so I'd have more opportunities to use it. Annnnnyways....I'm proud of you for following your dreams & would love to pick your brain about the program someday. I'm so happy you have a supportive guy like Gid. Most people in the world just don't get you know. Good luck!!

  4. llllllllooooovvvvvvvvveeeeee this post.

    you are a wonderful writer.


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