Wednesday, May 6, 2015

rainy days and scales.

hey. i had a weird day.

yesterday i was crazy sluggish and took a 4 hour nap in the middle of the day after a full nights rest. when i woke up i realized teddy hadn't been kicking for a several hours (which is why i was able to sleep...) and went into a teary frenzy of looking things up online, eating lots of sweets and playing obnoxious music next to my belly. of course it all turned out to be fine, i just couldn't believe how quick and easy it was for me to lose it.

today it was rainy, which i normally love.
today i didn't love it.

on a regular day, i'd open all the windows, pick a book to read, (ok, who am i kidding- these days, i'd def just turn on netflix...) and lounge the day away while i eat cold cereal with socks on. lounging is a lot less fun when negotiating a new uncomfortable body. i've been doing this thing where all movements revolve around my belly. i take breaks just walking from one end of the apartment to another. i pee constantly. i feel bad about the way i look.

and i'm super ashamed. not about my belly so much as the fact that i'm not enjoying this the way i thought i would. i thought i would rock at being pregnant. i don't. and it annoys me. i really wanted to be good at this.

to be fair, some days i'm better at it than others. today is a weird day.

i finally stepped on the scale tonight (why would you do such a thing, alyssa?!) and scowled first at the number, and then at myself for scowling. sometimes i try to imagine myself as a separate person. if my best friend were pregnant and confided in me the number of pounds i've gained, i'd give her a hug and insist we go eat ice cream to celebrate. if she told me she felt fat, i'd roll my eyes and tell her she needed to take some crazy pills. if she told me how badly she wanted to be one of those girls that loses the weight like five minutes after the baby comes, i'd frown and think it was a really sad; how she wasn't enjoying her perfect little bump and the sweet bounces within while it lasts. especially since i also knew she'd wanted this more than anything. i'd feel a little annoyed and sorry for her, but i wouldn't say it out loud; i wouldn't want to set her off, since i know she's on edge these days . geez. i kinda sound like a frienemy...

ugh. it's so cliche, always being dissatisfied with the scale. so boring. predictable. like a bad sitcom from the 90s. if you have a subconscious need to be dissatisfied, let's start with the list of classic literature you haven't finished. be bummed that your photography could be better, or that you're done with grad school even though you feel like you have more to learn. you don't get to be sad that you're gaining weight while in the process of GROWING A PERSON.

let's try something new, alyssa. let's try to not be so textbook. you're making me yawn and roll my eyes, which is crazy when it happens at the same time. boring. next.

i'm tired.
i think i'll just go to sleep and try to do better tomorrow.

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