Saturday, May 23, 2015

yesterday.

my mood has been pretty average over the past 8 months, (with the exception of feeling chubby once in a while). no major breakdowns. no crazy fits full of tears. no lashing out over a lack of ice cream in the house. gid kept saying "you're so... normal when you're pregnant. it's great!"

not yesterday.

yesterday i caught myself crying every few hours and i couldn't figure out why. i think the biggest reason is that i really can't sleep comfortably anymore, and i'm just so tired.

i think part of it is because the baby is coming and i've started getting really irrationally worried that i might drop him on accident or something like that.

i think part of it is because we're due for a move soon (we've been living in student housing for too long) and the thought of more change on top of a baby is crazy overwhelming these days. my friend was telling me how it's instinctive for mothers to want to stay in one familiar place when they're pregnant/have a new baby. like cats. apparently they refuse to give birth in an unfamiliar place or move when their babies are still tiny little kittens. that made me feel a little better. i'm like a cat.

i think part of it is that i'm scared of how bad it's going to hurt. my birthing class shows us videos of women who are gently whimpering during the worst part of labor. i feel like a kid who's about to get tricked at the dentist's office (this won't hurt at all, we're just going to pull a few teeth out, and then we'll give you a sucker, we promise....").
ps- did anyone else's childhood dentist traumatize them?

i think part of it is that i know this part of my life is slowly coming to an end, and while i'm wildly excited, i'm terrified at the same time, and feeling like i won't get to say goodbye in time. i like being able to go run errands and get ice cream anytime. i like living by my own schedule. i like having gid all to myself.

would i trade it for teddy? totally.
i'm just thinking i'll miss it a little sometimes.

if you're wondering, today i haven't been crying.
i've been trying to sleep.

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