Wednesday, July 22, 2015


we're getting better at breastfeeding. which means my nipples are in perpetual agony. i bow down to all of you mothers (breastfeeders or not). this is so much harder than i thought.

confession: sometimes i eat lunchables in the wee hours of the morning. i'm equal parts embarrassed and "judge me if you want to, i really don't care". also i can't get enough watermelon. are cravings supposed to still be going on after you deliver?

teddy insists on staying clean, which i love.

here's a picture where he actually fell asleep mid bath. are you in love as much as i am yet, friends?!

a lot of people warned me that this stage of having a newborn would be hard on mine and gideon's relationship. i know it's still early in the game, but i'm more wild about him than i was when we were newlyweds. he helps me (and i try to help him) with everything. he's sweet and supportive. the biggest thing-every time i look at teddy i see a mini version of the man i'm in love with. it makes me crazy for him even more. 
teddy is the most snuggly baby i've ever met. he nuzzles and coos. he sighs. he has a little whistle/snore when he sleeps. he sort of smiles. i can't get enough, you guys.

nothing fits the same. i know, it's going to take time. i still really miss the old me sometimes when i look in the mirror. i wish i could appreciate things in the moment more. like waistlines.

i never thought i'd be a mom that cried when her baby cried. 
i am. 

i always thought i'd be the kind of mom that was put together enough to wear make up and nice-ish outfits every day. 
i'm not.

milk gets on everyyything. it's on my bra. it's on my pillows and sheets. it's on my clothes, my baby, all over me. i can't keep up with the laundry. i'm going insane. it would be hilarious if it was happening to someone other than me.

percocet makes hard days better.

recovering is still hard. six weeks still sounds like forever. i still have a lot of pain sometimes. i'm still on medication, which i hoped i wouldn't be. sometimes i still cry, which i hoped i wouldn't. when people ask me how i'm doing, i smile and say "we're doing great!" it's not always super true. i'm hoping if i say it enough i'll believe it, and it will become true. sometimes that works. it's the best i can do right now. take it or leave it. 

i love everything about teddy, but today i can't get enough of his little toes. what a sweet life i have.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

2 weeks.

i didn't realize how deadly serious people were when they said new mothers don't get any sleep.

the hours between 12 am and 4 am are my me time. teddy is finally starting to sleep a little better through the night (meaning he sleeps up to 4 hours if i'm super lucky). during these hours is mostly when i get online. also i just realized with my new internet time i'm "liking" and commenting on posts in the wee hours of the morning and it probably makes me look creepy. sorry, everyone...

a ridiculous number of my facebook friends are currently uploading gym selfies of them getting beach ready and it makes me feel super not awesome. i know it took me nine months to gain baby weight and i shouldn't expect to go immediately back to the old me, but i really miss my tummy. my beautiful, flat, pre-teddy tummy. why did i never appreciate you?

gid and i have started calling the ipad "the white noise machine".

i cry alot. everything hurts. my belly hurts, sneezing hurts, the bathroom hurts, getting in and out of bed (and any other seat in the house) hurts. i had a friend cheerfully tell me all about how she was back on her feet and to her old self a few days after birth. that kinda hurt, too.

also, i suck at breastfeeding. also, i suck at pumping. i dunno, i always thought i'd be better at things having to do with breasts... it's a real confidence killer.

also, i suck at praying. my prayers these days sound like this: "help me not to suck so bad at breastfeeding and pumping, please make me skinny someday, thank you for my beautiful baby boy, amen."

teddy is getting a little better at napping, but sometimes i get worried he's been quiet too long. i check on him, and for some reason feel the need to get really close to his face to see if he's breathing, and then his big eyes flash open. obviously, i dive to the ground, (ouch) hoping he didn't see me and falls back asleep super fast. he doesn't.

i don't think i've mentioned this yet on the blog, but we're moving soon. like in a few weeks. teddy won't even be a month old. it scares and overwhelms me, like i'm a kid getting ready to start junior high or something. i'm so immature sometimes.

i have no appetite (except for my meds). that probably is one of the main reasons i suck so bad at breast pumping/feeding...

i really love my baby. i love him when he makes little milk drunk smiles,  and how he nuzzles me when he's trying to fall asleep. i love when he burps for me, the satisfied grunt he makes after successfully filling a diaper. the annoyed cry/yell he makes when he needs something (one of three things- diaper change, food, or a nap- he's so reasonable.). i'm baffled at how he doesn't annoy me. i can't think of anyone else who i'd let get away with that kind of behavior...

i should be napping, or at least sending off the thank you cards from my baby showers that i should've mailed weeks ago since teddy is asleep and it's 11 in the morning, (a friggin miracle) but i'm writing about my feelings on my blog. sometimes i wonder if my blog is my therapist.

life is funny sometimes. and by funny, i mean heartbreaking, frustrating, lovely, and terrifying. among other things. that's all.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

he's here.

...and he's the best ever you guys.  

i can't believe he used to live in my tummy. he's got these crazy long legs that he's always kicking and i recognize them. i recognize his kicks from when he was inside of me!

what a weird world.
and he's got this dark hair. when i first saw him it was curly and my heart leapt with excitement.
i've always wanted a curly haired baby.

then i washed his hair. it was silky smooth.
i guess when babies get uterus gunk on their hair it sometimes gets a little curly...

now i wouldn't trade his sweet soft locks for all the curls in the world.

his eyes sometimes look brown to me, and then the next moment
i think they could be green like his father's.
i'd swoon at him either way. 
i think he looks like gid so much (minus his coloring which obvs comes from my side), 
and gid is so handsome. look out, little girls.
there's a storm heading your way and his name is teddy.

i'm so in love. so overwhelmed. so medicated.

i feel like i'm in a weird alternate reality where pumping milk out of my body is a thing, and watching decent television is not.

i also feel like these are my moments and they're slipping away so quickly already, so i sleep with him on my chest more often than i'm sure the books would suggest. 

he's just so cuddly.
are all babies this cuddly?

i'll take 10 more just like this one, please.

every day he looks a little different.
i love that and hate it at the same time.

he adores gideon. he adores me too, but there's something about his daddy that puts him at ease.
it's like they knew each other all along.

you guys, this is my baby.
his name is theodore michael tolman, but i call him teddy.

teddy tolman.
i'm sure he'd say it's nice to meet you.

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