the hours between 12 am and 4 am are my me time. teddy is finally starting to sleep a little better through the night (meaning he sleeps up to 4 hours if i'm super lucky). during these hours is mostly when i get online. also i just realized with my new internet time i'm "liking" and commenting on posts in the wee hours of the morning and it probably makes me look creepy. sorry, everyone...
gid and i have started calling the ipad "the white noise machine".
i cry alot. everything hurts. my belly hurts, sneezing hurts, the bathroom hurts, getting in and out of bed (and any other seat in the house) hurts. i had a friend cheerfully tell me all about how she was back on her feet and to her old self a few days after birth. that kinda hurt, too.
also, i suck at breastfeeding. also, i suck at pumping. i dunno, i always thought i'd be better at things having to do with breasts... it's a real confidence killer.
also, i suck at praying. my prayers these days sound like this: "help me not to suck so bad at breastfeeding and pumping, please make me skinny someday, thank you for my beautiful baby boy, amen."
teddy is getting a little better at napping, but sometimes i get worried he's been quiet too long. i check on him, and for some reason feel the need to get really close to his face to see if he's breathing, and then his big eyes flash open. obviously, i dive to the ground, (ouch) hoping he didn't see me and falls back asleep super fast. he doesn't.
i have no appetite (except for my meds). that probably is one of the main reasons i suck so bad at breast pumping/feeding...
i really love my baby. i love him when he makes little milk drunk smiles, and how he nuzzles me when he's trying to fall asleep. i love when he burps for me, the satisfied grunt he makes after successfully filling a diaper. the annoyed cry/yell he makes when he needs something (one of three things- diaper change, food, or a nap- he's so reasonable.). i'm baffled at how he doesn't annoy me. i can't think of anyone else who i'd let get away with that kind of behavior...
i should be napping, or at least sending off the thank you cards from my baby showers that i should've mailed weeks ago since teddy is asleep and it's 11 in the morning, (a friggin miracle) but i'm writing about my feelings on my blog. sometimes i wonder if my blog is my therapist.
life is funny sometimes. and by funny, i mean heartbreaking, frustrating, lovely, and terrifying. among other things. that's all.