Thursday, July 16, 2015

2 weeks.

i didn't realize how deadly serious people were when they said new mothers don't get any sleep.

the hours between 12 am and 4 am are my me time. teddy is finally starting to sleep a little better through the night (meaning he sleeps up to 4 hours if i'm super lucky). during these hours is mostly when i get online. also i just realized with my new internet time i'm "liking" and commenting on posts in the wee hours of the morning and it probably makes me look creepy. sorry, everyone...

a ridiculous number of my facebook friends are currently uploading gym selfies of them getting beach ready and it makes me feel super not awesome. i know it took me nine months to gain baby weight and i shouldn't expect to go immediately back to the old me, but i really miss my tummy. my beautiful, flat, pre-teddy tummy. why did i never appreciate you?

gid and i have started calling the ipad "the white noise machine".

i cry alot. everything hurts. my belly hurts, sneezing hurts, the bathroom hurts, getting in and out of bed (and any other seat in the house) hurts. i had a friend cheerfully tell me all about how she was back on her feet and to her old self a few days after birth. that kinda hurt, too.

also, i suck at breastfeeding. also, i suck at pumping. i dunno, i always thought i'd be better at things having to do with breasts... it's a real confidence killer.

also, i suck at praying. my prayers these days sound like this: "help me not to suck so bad at breastfeeding and pumping, please make me skinny someday, thank you for my beautiful baby boy, amen."

teddy is getting a little better at napping, but sometimes i get worried he's been quiet too long. i check on him, and for some reason feel the need to get really close to his face to see if he's breathing, and then his big eyes flash open. obviously, i dive to the ground, (ouch) hoping he didn't see me and falls back asleep super fast. he doesn't.

i don't think i've mentioned this yet on the blog, but we're moving soon. like in a few weeks. teddy won't even be a month old. it scares and overwhelms me, like i'm a kid getting ready to start junior high or something. i'm so immature sometimes.

i have no appetite (except for my meds). that probably is one of the main reasons i suck so bad at breast pumping/feeding...

i really love my baby. i love him when he makes little milk drunk smiles,  and how he nuzzles me when he's trying to fall asleep. i love when he burps for me, the satisfied grunt he makes after successfully filling a diaper. the annoyed cry/yell he makes when he needs something (one of three things- diaper change, food, or a nap- he's so reasonable.). i'm baffled at how he doesn't annoy me. i can't think of anyone else who i'd let get away with that kind of behavior...

i should be napping, or at least sending off the thank you cards from my baby showers that i should've mailed weeks ago since teddy is asleep and it's 11 in the morning, (a friggin miracle) but i'm writing about my feelings on my blog. sometimes i wonder if my blog is my therapist.

life is funny sometimes. and by funny, i mean heartbreaking, frustrating, lovely, and terrifying. among other things. that's all.

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