Tuesday, October 20, 2015

i know exactly what i would do if i didn't have kids, and other things on my mind.

i get confused when people say, "my life had no meaning before i had a child", or "i don't know what i would do if i didn't have kids". what is that?? are you bragging? are you trying to make childless people feel inferior? i don't get it. i'm not trying to be snarky. i really don't get it.

ps- i know *exactly what i would do if i didn't have kids.

i'm not hiding my face to be artistic.
 i'm hiding it because i look like a swamp creature.
i feel like i can't have nice things anymore (even the nice things i already own). i wore a favorite top to a reception last weekend and teddy threw up all over it mid conversation with the bride. thank goodness the room had romantic lighting. i should've been like, "oh you sweet little baby," but i was all like "noooooo teddy, this is silk! how could you?!!"

gid and i decided to branch out with our food choices (we've been eating way too much chic-fil-a lately-- but it's so close to us!) and i ordered a semi-spicy peanut thai dish. after nursing, teddy promptly went through a 44 package of diapers in like 30 hours, you guys. it was brutal.

the fall colors are so nice right now, and i've been getting all bummed out that winter is coming. it's hard enough feeling isolated when it's nice outside. i've got kind of a bad feeling about the next few months.

last night i had a dream i was pregnant again.

i still get horrible anxiety on sundays. it's actually gotten worse since we moved. i dread church, and i miss my old ward really badly. i didn't think that would happen. i thought i hated utah drivers enough to not miss anything about utah. but i miss a lot of things. unimportant things. like shopping. it's stupid, but it's true.

i was trying to figure out why utah has such excellent shopping on the ride home, and i decided it's because mormons have extra cash on hand from not buying booze and tobacco, so they spend all their money at nordstrom. maybe? that's my theory.

i can't decide between two extremely similar colors for the canopy of my stroller. one is red, one is coral red, and i'm stupidly agonizing over which one i should buy (now i'm thinking i should just get black because it's safe, ughh). i have such an easy life if these are the things i think about. (if anyone wants to tell me which one they think is better, i'm all ears. be a pal, would you? seriously i need you.)

is it only tuesday? i wish it were friday so i could hang out with gid all weekend again. it bugs me that i miss him so much. i feel like a high school girl obsessed with her boyfriend, waiting impatiently for football practice to be over so she can hold hands, and maybe make out underneath the stadium.


exercise, read books (for more than 10 minutes at a time), get a job, work really hard at it, get really good at it, and make a lot of money, travel, shower, and go to target, or out to eat, or to a movie whenever i want

12 comments:

  1. I miss shopping so much. It's why I still go to Salt Lake every month because a small town with two little kids makes me feel claustrophobic. I think the number one thing people forgot to tell me was how bored I would get after a while of staying at home. It's lonely but somehow weirdly busy at the same time. I gave up on my go to work dream and set some goals for myself I could do at home and that seemed to help me at least. Some people craft, some people clean, some people go out and about all the time. I like to make money. It makes me feel good.
    And I like the coral red.

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  2. i'm leaning on the coral! thank you! and thank you for commenting on loving to be self sufficient financially, and how lonely yet busy this time is right now. carrie, you make me feel normal. i can't thank you enough for that.

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  3. Likewise, I don't have any doubts as to what I would do if my responsibilities were different. And I'm right there with you on the Sunday anxiety thing. Appreciate your thoughts, as always.

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    1. matt, you're a person i hold in very high regard, so hearing that our thoughts are in harmony makes my day. thanks for commenting.

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  4. Haha!! You're blog is so cute! I can see your personality coming right out of it! I like coral red too;) and I soo miss Utah shopping, and food actually! It's weird bc I never thought of Utah as a food place but I'm here I Houston dreaming

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    1. isn't that crazy!? i didn't think utah was a foodie place either, but now i'm all "where's my finca?! where's bombay house??! where's EGGS IN THE CITY!???!" lol. miss you molly.

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  5. I've been experiencing the church anxiety too... I feel clueless and powerless. Do you just power through?
    And is it your old ward in the Married Student Stake?
    I vote coral red.

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    1. i power through and try to remember the things that are the most important to me. it still sucks. i'm glad you voted coral! xo

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  6. Coral. :)

    I miss you a lot and I'm hitting myself for not inviting you over to just stare at the TV. I just miss seeing you around and knowing you're here. Boo. Come see me and bring Teddy. What store do you miss?

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    1. anne, i miss you SO much. we visited last sunday and i was devastated that you weren't there! we'll probably visit again soon, and i'll for sure let you know. xo

      ps- ugh, what stores do i NOT miss? i miss babinksis, bloomingsales, koodekur, hip & humble, and jolleys off the top of my head.

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  7. I love your posts! We've definitely all been there, Alyssa! My husband and I had a long, hard year, filled with miscarriages, before our first son was born. I thought for sure, 'after everything I've been through, I am 100% ready to be a Mom'. I really don't think anything could have prepared me for the 'adjusting to my new normal' phase of Mommyhood (oh yeah...and the sleep deprivation...that was a rough reality). It's a completely new stage of our lives and giving every minute to new baby is a hard adjustment. Sometimes I felt guilty that I longed for an uninterrupted shower, or a baby free night out with my husband, because of the year of heartache we experienced before my first son. During my longest days and nights of being a new Mommy, I thought to myself, 'THIS must be why Heavenly Father makes them so darn cute!'. Definitely the hardest, yet best job ever!

    P.S: coral red

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  8. haha! I love this and relate to it. The only reason I don't know what I would do with my time is because after 3.5 years of having no time to myself, I've completely forgotten what I even like. I watched a movie trailer the other day and was like, "What is this thing? Movie? Do I like movie?" It was weird. But that's okay, I feel mostly ok with the fact that now is not the time in my life for movie-watching . . . or doing anything else besides hanging out with the kid folk.

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