Sunday, November 29, 2015

thanksgiving was hard, and other things.

first. driving in a snowstorm with a crying baby makes me never want to leave the house again ever.

second. why do babies need a schedule, and why is it so hard to keep them on one? teddy is all over the place with his naps after a short visit to salmon for thanksgiving, and by the time we get him back on track, we'll be leaving again for christmas. sigh. i wish i was one of those mothers that is put together. or at least seems put together. i'd settle for that. to just look put together. because i don't think anyone actually really has themselves together.

gideon's brother is getting married this upcoming january, and i'm shamelessly in love with his fiance. sure, i'm happy for the groom to be, but really, i'm mostly happy for me. i get a gal pal during holiday visits which is really all i want when we're visiting gid's family.

when i was expecting, i promised myself i wouldn't react if i feel like people are judging my parenting style. fail. this weekend i felt like i was being judged for being too protective of my baby (hi. first time mom.), and i couldn't belieeeeeve how defensive it got me.
my baby. my rules. period. i can't keep writing about it because i'll just get annoyed again.

thanksgivings are hard for me since getting married. i miss my (crazy) family, and then always regret how antisocial i end up being with gideon's family. i wasn't super social before i had teddy (and always would promise myself i'd do better the next visit), but this year i spent a lot of time downstairs with a napping baby feeling exhausted, (but wired!) while everyone played games or hung out upstairs, because i was afraid i wouldn't hear teddy if he woke up. i haven't spent a thanksgiving in texas since my 5 year old nephew was born, and it bums me out that i've missed out on those memories. (to be fair though, gid has never spent christmas at his parents house since we've been married, and i've never once heard him complain. i can be such a selfish jerk sometimes.)

this thanksgiving was especially hard, i think because 
the past few weeks i've been restless, heartbroken and sickened at the terror attacks around the world. i pray for those affected in france, and think of other countries and individuals, particularly refugees who are struggling to survive in such difficult circumstances. (here i am, whining about baby sleep schedules...)

i try to imagine my life in that frame-- me with teddy, trying to find a warm, dry place to sleep. not being sure if my friends and family are okay. lost. homeless. hated. cast out. i think of these people and get caught up in a helpless sense of obscurity. praying doesn't feel like enough, so i look up other ways of being proactive. and just when i start to feel like maybe the world isn't so upside down, i find articles in the news about racism and hate and prejudice in my own country and i feel helpless again. i wish the world was different. i know i'm not alone.

and now we're back home, and my sunday evening anxiety is creeping into me like a suffocating cold beverage that i don't want to drink, but it's already going down my throat and i've got to swallow because if i don't i'll pass out and die, and i'd rather swallow something disgusting than lose consciousness.

holy debbie downer. 

i'll probably delete this post in the morning.

ps-i know this post is lame already and i should really just stop writing, but it's thanksgiving week and i don't want to be ungrateful for my circumstances. i'm so blessed. i normally feel like using that word is condescending, like me saying "i'm blessed" denotes that i've been selected for the things and people that i have, and other people haven't been, and it opens up a can of worms that i don't feel comfortable with, so i usually just resort to saying, "holy moses, i lucked out," but today i'm using the word blessed. i love my family. i love my boys. i'm so fortunate to have them. if they are all i have in the world, i'm still the luckiest person i know. that's all. 

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