we're on day three of a sleep training schedule. why do i feel embarrassed admitting that? whatever, it's miserable. he's doesn't cry long, but sometimes his little voice gets a little hoarse, and i feel like the meanest, worst mamma in the world. maybe it would be easier if he was naughty sometimes, but he's such a sweet, happy little boy. i keep telling myself i can make it till the end of the week. he never cries more than five minutes, so i should be grateful. some mammas have to listen to their babies cry for hours.
i miss my family. and i miss gid. sometimes i wish he could work from home, but i think having him present without his attention would drive me crazy. i think i'm the neediest person i know right now. and i live with a literal baby.
we have a sweet little place. it has big beautiful windows, and a nice loft. but i'm annoyed with our apartment. i'm mad at the tan accent walls, and the crazy expensive heating bill. i'm annoyed at the little yippy dogs that are having a play date right outside the window where teddy is napping. i miss our tiny, cheap apartment in salt lake with the cinderblock walls and doll sized oven. i miss the cute baby boutique i worked at while i was pregnant. i spend a lot of time thinking how much money we put into savings when we lived in those 480 square feet of pure love. it was such a sweet little place.
i just realized it's 3 and i've eaten a cheese stick and half of a pink powerade. no wonder my breast milk production is down.
most days i feel like i'm getting better at being home, but some days (like today) i don't want to be a stay at home mom. i want to be sitting in an office wearing nice shoes, or teaching in a university studio. i want someone else to listen to my baby cry with a hoarse little voice staring at the timer on their phone so they can go reassure him that he hasn't been abandoned. i want someone else to keep track of his naps, milk schedule/solid food schedule, and diapers.
but i also don't want to surrender moments where he does his army crawl and smiles at me proudly. i don't want him nuzzling someone else the way he does with me when he's almost fallen asleep. i don't want him flirting and cooing to someone else. i don't want him playing peek a boo sleepily in bed underneath cool, white sheets while the morning light seeps into our bedroom. i want that all to myself. those memories keep me going on days like today.
gid asked me if i wanted to hire someone so i could start working, and my immediate answer was no. not because i think being a working mom is bad, or because i have a deep rooted desire to be a martyr.
i think it's because the sweet moments are worth the hard ones.
at least right now they are.