Sunday, March 27, 2016

daylight savings is a big deal, and other things...

i used to secretly wonder if parents who complained about daylight savings throwing off their kids' schedule were just being dramatic. "really, how much of a difference can one hour make?" oh, pre-teddy alyssa; you well rested, ignorant cactus blossom.

daylight savings is the worst, you guys.

i woke up today and for the first time thought to myself, "this is it. this is the day i give up pumping." my mind was absolutely made up. two hours later, i gave in. i don't know why, but my endurance (both emotional and physical) has taken a hard hit recently, and i have zero motivation. i promised myself i'd stick pumping out for a year. how do people do it?

teddy's first tooth is coming in, and i'm already missing his little gummy smile.

the past couple of weeks have been weird. i've been working on a video collaboration with a professional dance company, and even though it hasn't been full time, it's been demanding. my other projects have fallen off schedule (sorry dean and suzie...), and i feel overwhelmed thinking about deadlines that a year ago, i could've handled with a blindfold on. i feel like i'm regressing, and i want so very very badly to be moving forward.

i'm realizing that having a baby makes everything infinitely more complicated. i don't have close family here, so it's not like i can just call my mom and have her watch teddy for an hour while i go do a shoot, or take a ballet class in the middle of the day. a simple trip to the market is a carefully strategized outing. i can't sleep at night because i'm thinking about what he ate, how much he slept during the day, the patch of dry skin on his back that turns red when he takes a bath, and how he's turning nine months soon, and that's how long he lived in me, and how wild is that, and why is this happening so fast. i'm worried about how much fresh air and culture he's getting, and yet also how the world is crazy right now, and i want him protected and safe. all of these things are buzzing in my brain, and then i look at my phone to see what time it is and it's 4:30 in the morning. two hours later, teddy is ready to go. is this parenthood? is this my life now? why didn't i sleep in college when i had the chance???? (i didn't sleep in grad school.)

yesterday when i checked in on teddy during a nap, he fluttered his eyes open, looked up at me, smiled, and said, "ma." i tried to get him to say it again for 3 hours, but he's keeping me guessing whether it was on purpose or a coincidence. sometimes he has a knowing smile that makes me suspicious that he's known how to talk for months, and he's keeping it from us.

i finished parks and rec.
you guys, it was really good.

teddy's been fascinated with our living room bookcase lately. i know i need to baby proof, but it's sort of sweet how he always pulls out the same thick book from the bottom shelf. ("Fiscal Administration; Analysis and Applications for the Public Sector.") i guess chicka chicka boom boom just isn't cutting it anymore.

so happy that spring is here. i need some sun.

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