yesterday was horrible. and i felt like there was nothing i could do to stop it. like watching someone fall in slow motion, and you wish you could reach out to prevent it, but you can't because it's already happening.
that was yesterday. me metaphysically tripping over all the ideals i wish i could be as a mother and promptly tumbling down a hill, over a meadow of lumpy rocks, and landing in a garden of cactus.
yesterday was the worst. i was behind on two deadlines, my head was bothering me, and it was the first time i caught myself feeling annoyed with my sweet, innocent baby for not wanting to take a much needed nap (poor teething baby). he'd cry when i held him, when i fed him, and when i let him do whatever he wanted. what kind of mother gets annoyed with her perfect little 9 month old?? me. i do. i feel like a monster. (a monster who just wants to watch 30 minutes of netflix uninterrupted. hashtag can i live. sigh. i really am a monster.)
i could go into detail all of the ways i feel like i failed yesterday, but i'm too tired, and my cheeks are still sticky from tears/milk/spit up, so instead i'll just write some things i've learned for the future.
teddy grew out of the phase where he sits politely still for diaper changes a long time ago. don't expect him to do that anymore. next time when he starts violently kicking amidst a soggy, poopy diaper and crap gets everywhere, try not to gasp and freeze. maybe even try to laugh. or cry. whatever.
your milk is drying up even though you take supplements, drink tons of water, and you're pumping throughout the day, and i get how that makes you sad. it's a bummer, but it's okay. his tummy has food in it, and that's what is most important. next time maybe you'll be better at it. just try not to cry over spilt milk. (see what i did there? haha. no, don't cry! ---okay, you can cry...)
he's teething, which means he's uncomfortable. give him a break. give yourself a break. it's just a miserable phase. you'll make it. and it's giving you all sorts of empathy for other people who have had to deal with this shiz. like your mother. times five.
the pile of laundry (at least it's clean!), the dishes, and the lack of dinner in the oven do not mean you are a failure as a person. (it might mean you're a failure as a housewife, but who wants that title anyway??)
just because teddy stops crying, and starts panting excitedly the moment gid gets home doesn't mean he doesn't love you as much. ..who am i kidding?! he obviously loves gideon much more than you-- but he also likes you. and that's good enough, right? he slobbers all over your cheeks and leaves little hickeys on your face. i bet gid is super jealous of the baby bite marks you have all over your body.
i know it's exhausting, but i bet you'd feel better if you showered more often.
you'll get through it. it was just a bad day.
ps- teddy slept 9+ hours straight last night, sooooooo maybe it was worth it. xo