Saturday, July 9, 2016

a year old! (with a video!)

i'll start by saying that i need to worry less about things that don't matter.

i told myself i'd throw teddy an epic first party, that we'd invite all our friends, and have the best time. and when his birthday came and went, and we all were sick, i realized none of us wanted a huge party, and that trying to force something that none of us wanted was silly.

my 12 month baby doesn't care if i throw him a party 6 days after his birthday.

he doesn't care if the occasion includes photos and video taking.
he doesn't care about, or need excessive presents.
he doesn't mind if the cake has candles on it.
as it turns out, he doesn't care if there's a cake at all.
(he took one bite of it, shook his head, and put his arms up for me to take him off the table, lol.
he must have less of a tolerance for sugar than i do because that cake was delicious.)

do you see the tiny hint of frosting on his chin?
i thought he'd be covered in it, ha!

i did a newborn shoot this morning, and kept wondering how it was possible that teddy, my tiny little baby, looks like a gigantic person compared to a one month old. i'm devastated and so proud of him at the same time.

my quiet moments in the past week have been spent wondering if i've been the mother he deserves. because he deserves the very best. did i give him enough attention during his first year? was i patient enough? loving enough?

and when (inevitably) i recall the many times i didn't do my best, i remind myself how lucky i am that i get more than one year to be the mom he deserves, and how patient he continues to be with me, even with my faults (obvious, even to a one year old).

i can't believe it's been 12 months, and 6 days since the first time i heard his long low cry; since i first looked into his deep eyes, and touched his thick, dark hair.

371 days of diaper changes, spit up disasters, and nap time rocking.

371 days of questioning if i'm cut out for this job; somedays feeling wonderful about motherhood, and somedays feeling like i'm in the middle of a major identity crisis, and wondering if i'll ever recognize myself again.

371 days of kisses, snuggles, and tears
(more mine than his, because let's be honest- most of the time, i'm much more of a baby than he is.)

371 days of a love like i've never experienced before.

happy birthday, my little sweetheart.
i'm going to go finish your cake now.

ps- here's a poorly done video i made that someday we're going to cherish very much.

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