Wednesday, October 26, 2016

important things.

let's start with the most important thing i want to tell you this morning: teddy said "please" for the first time last night, and it made my heart swell, and i gave him a whole chocolate chip cookie as a reward (#badparenting). i'm so so proud of him. you should've heard the way he said it too; (it sounded more like "eese?!" and he also did the sign language motion for it at the same time, and my heart exploded all over the kitchen floor). all the cookies, teddybear- you can have all of them.

next most important thing to tell you is that our kitchen countertops were installed this morning, and our bathroom is almost completely functioning. this is a big deal, people. now that we have a flushing toilet, i feel like maybe we'll move in for real someday. (hope so, since we put in our notice at our apartment complex.)

the next most important thing to tell you is that the new new upper cabinets (if you follow my insta stories, you may have seen the ones that originally came back from shipping were broken and i was so so angry about it) will be here next week which is crazy fast and exciting. i also found a new chandelier (the ikea one we originally bought that i loved was sooo much bigger than i imagined it would be) and we'll be installing that this week as well. ugh, it feels like the progress is happening so much faster now than it did at the beginning! relief!!

the next most important thing is a question- does anyone know excellent hardware websites for kitchen cabinets? my heart wants antique english brass fixtures, because they're beautiful and old looking, but my head is telling me to stick with the black since they're less expensive, have a cleaner look, and i don't have to worry about matching finishes. (they also don't clash as badly with the appliances we've chosen...)

ugh, my head has always been stronger than my heart.
i'm still reaching out to see if anyone knows of an awesome website i can check out.

his fave fave fave thing is being pushed around in this little red wagon. (thank you courtney!)
mama's back is sore.

the next most important thing for me to tell you is that our red tree in our backyard is almost completely bare, but the tree next to it is just starting to lose the most lovely yellow leaves, and teddy has shifted his attention to it. i love how much he loves our backyard. that's important, right?!

the last most important thing is that i've picked the winners from the eeboo giveaway (i should've picked weeks ago, but life is crazy, and i'm a wreck, and i'm only getting to it now.) congratulations katie murdock, and krista widdinson! send me a message confirming that you saw this, and we'll get you set up with eeboo.

happy wednesday.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016


life is crazy right now. too much going on, particularly in my dance world. i think it'll be better once we've moved into our home, but it's gotten to the point that anytime i'm working on choreography or class material, teddy gets weepy and begs me to hold him. he hates when i get into dance mode (unless i'm holding him and spinning- that he loves). i worry about him feeling less important than my work, but i also think it's healthy for him to know how to be patient, and that he's not the center of the universe. anyone else struggle with that? i'm open to tips.

the past month a lot of opportunities have been thrown at me, and i've spent sleepless nights thinking about the pros and cons of working versus staying at home. in the middle of a mental conversation with myself, i admitted that one of the reasons i'm eager to get out of the house is because i often feel like i don't belong there. i imagined i'd slip into motherhood much easier than i have, and even though i know i'm hard on myself, i still feel like i'm bad at it.

and i don't like hanging out in situations that i feel like i'm failing in. put me in a studio, and i'll put together a show for you. but ask me to cook a simple meal for my 15 month old, and i'll crumble to the ground, question everything happening in my life, and eventually call zupas with a pickup order ready to go.

the thing is- the last year has been the best of my life. and i'm cringing as i type, because it's so cliché, but whatever- it's true. i've hardly gotten any sleep, i've experienced deeper blues than ever before, and silver hairs making appearances don't even phase me anymore.

but i've also fallen hard in love. with teddy, and with gideon all over again (some days more than others, of course). i've fallen in love with short naps and hot showers, and a million other little things that i never appreciated the way i do now. i've fallen in love with his smiles, and chubby legs. i've fallen in love with nap time, and story time. i've gotten a glimpse of how my parents feel about me, which makes me fall in love with them a little bit.

yesterday when i came home from teaching, teddy wriggled excitedly out of gideon's arms, and ran with open arms and happy squeals to give me a hug and a wet kiss. he wouldn't let me out of his sight the rest of the night. immediately after i'd go into a room where he couldn't see me, i'd hear concerned noises until he found me and reach his arms to me; silently asking to be held. he rested his head on my shoulder and cooed "mama" softly. he giggled and snorted while we read bedtime stories. and after getting him down in his crib, and i finally had some time to myself, i caught myself mostly looking at pictures of him on my phone, or thinking about things that he needs, or wondering what kind of a example i'm giving him. it feels like i've turned into a completely different person. it scares me, and confuses me.

and then i reminded myself that for the first time in what feels like a long time, i've been feeling happy. and that's the most important thing. work is stressing me out. the house is stressing me out. i still have bad days- ugh, some days teddy is such a little rascal, and drives me nuts. but i've noticed a positive shift in my mood towards being at home. i'm happier here than i've been since our move last year.

i'm not making any announcements about how much work i'll be taking on in the next year.

i just wanted to say that i'm happy right now.
and it feels really good.


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

being sub-par, and other things.

he's turned into such a mama's boy lately, and i love it. also- i feel like i've earned it- the first 13 months of his life, he openly preferred gideon to me (he'd be a grouch all day until dada came home from work, and then all of a sudden he was an angel). these days though, he'll drop his favorite toy for a snuggle with me. when i come home from work, he trots to me with a squeal and lovingly murmurs "mama" as he nuzzles himself into my neck.
i remember a friend of mine saying that motherhood gets better when they start giving back a little.
this is what she meant, and she was so right.

i've been collaborating with a dance company here in boise, and he's been tagging along with me to the rehearsals which is fun some of the time, and hard a lot of the time. he resents my attention being away from him, and will take my face with both of his small hands and force eye contact in the middle of a run. he's also gotten really good at rolling to the ground. the kid is graceful. i don't mean to be presumptuous but he's definitely the most talented human on the planet.
side note- he also really likes to eat rocks right now.

^^can you even handle this baby cow sweater??!

i feel spread too thin right now. i'm teaching at bsu, choreographing with idt, helping get our house move-in ready in the evenings, and changing diapers furiously in between. and i know i've got it easy. sometimes i really feel like i'm a horribly sub-par mother (/teacher/choreographer/diaper changer). it seems like every other mom i know gets more accomplished than i do. i'm determined to not accept any more side jobs until next year. i'm going crazy.

on a happier note, i'm falling in love with our home. when we first walked through it, i vaguely thought it had potential, but the more time i spend in it, and the more i watch it transform into what we envisioned, i realize it's actually my dream home. i can't thank the people who have helped us get this far with it enough. i've never loved a house like i love this one. it's small, and it's creaky, but it's doing it's best and i love it so much.

it's tuesday, and leaves are falling, and before we know it, the holidays are going to be here.
i hope you're staying warm.
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