the past month a lot of opportunities have been thrown at me, and i've spent sleepless nights thinking about the pros and cons of working versus staying at home. in the middle of a mental conversation with myself, i admitted that one of the reasons i'm eager to get out of the house is because i often feel like i don't belong there. i imagined i'd slip into motherhood much easier than i have, and even though i know i'm hard on myself, i still feel like i'm bad at it.
and i don't like hanging out in situations that i feel like i'm failing in. put me in a studio, and i'll put together a show for you. but ask me to cook a simple meal for my 15 month old, and i'll crumble to the ground, question everything happening in my life, and eventually call zupas with a pickup order ready to go.
the thing is- the last year has been the best of my life. and i'm cringing as i type, because it's so cliché, but whatever- it's true. i've hardly gotten any sleep, i've experienced deeper blues than ever before, and silver hairs making appearances don't even phase me anymore.
but i've also fallen hard in love. with teddy, and with gideon all over again (some days more than others, of course). i've fallen in love with short naps and hot showers, and a million other little things that i never appreciated the way i do now. i've fallen in love with his smiles, and chubby legs. i've fallen in love with nap time, and story time. i've gotten a glimpse of how my parents feel about me, which makes me fall in love with them a little bit.
yesterday when i came home from teaching, teddy wriggled excitedly out of gideon's arms, and ran with open arms and happy squeals to give me a hug and a wet kiss. he wouldn't let me out of his sight the rest of the night. immediately after i'd go into a room where he couldn't see me, i'd hear concerned noises until he found me and reach his arms to me; silently asking to be held. he rested his head on my shoulder and cooed "mama" softly. he giggled and snorted while we read bedtime stories. and after getting him down in his crib, and i finally had some time to myself, i caught myself mostly looking at pictures of him on my phone, or thinking about things that he needs, or wondering what kind of a example i'm giving him. it feels like i've turned into a completely different person. it scares me, and confuses me.
and then i reminded myself that for the first time in what feels like a long time, i've been feeling happy. and that's the most important thing. work is stressing me out. the house is stressing me out. i still have bad days- ugh, some days teddy is such a little rascal, and drives me nuts. but i've noticed a positive shift in my mood towards being at home. i'm happier here than i've been since our move last year.
i'm not making any announcements about how much work i'll be taking on in the next year.
i just wanted to say that i'm happy right now.
and it feels really good.