Thursday, November 3, 2016

i cried.

this morning i met my best friend in boise at a coffee shop to say goodbye before she moves across the country. and then i drove home, put teddy down for a nap, consumed an gigantic muffin, and had an emotional breakdown.

i cried because i already miss her.
i cried because teddy was sleepy and being a rascal, and made our goodbye feel even more rushed than it already was. i cried because things like friends moving makes me feel old. i cried because this renovating process has been so much longer, and more difficult and emotional that i imagined it would be; and we still haven't even moved. i cried because this election legitimately scares me. i cried because i miss my mom and my sister, and i'm jealous of people around here whose entire family live within a 15 mile radius of them, and even though i enjoy the space gid and i have, i secretly wish i had that kind of family support system too, and courtney was the closest thing i had to that here.

and i cried because even though my life feels so good right now-- (five years ago if you'd told me that in 2016 i'd have a darling little boy, gid would have a terrific job, we'd be moving into our first home, and i'd have more opportunity to work than i could take on, i would've thrown a party to celebrate.)-- even with that, some days it feels like i'm still trying to figure out what the heck i'm doing with my life.

and i think, for me at least, that's just how it is. maybe there will always be a whisper in the back of my mind asking me when i'm going to finally get myself together.

but, "together" according to who? who am i comparing myself to? certainly, there's people out there who are more "put together" than i, but certainly there's also people who have just as little (or less) of an idea of what they're doing with their life.

i guess what i'm saying is that i think we're all just faking it sometimes.
(sometimes not. sometimes i can be a boss. and i know you can too.)

but sometimes i think we're faking it a little. and i think that's okay.
i miss my friend.


  1. Honest question- what about becoming a homeowner has been so difficult and emotional for you?

    1. Anna, I should've said renovating a home, not necessarily being home owners. We were so excited when we found this house because it was well under our budget, and we felt like we could easily afford to do some updating and make it something that we loved. The process has been so so soo much more difficult (and expensive) than we ever guessed, and we chose to pay for the renovation out of pocket which has almost completely depleted our savings. We were naive to think that we could get it done in a few short months, I guess. And there were many unexpected surprises that made it twice as expensive as the most it was quoted to us for. Anyway. I guess money and time has made it emotional and hard. But, man- it's going to be a cute little house! :) xo

    2. That makes sense. It's totally stressful to get told one thing about pricing only to have to double! Next time I'm home in Boise I am inviting myself over to see this cute house of yours though! ;)

    3. Since it's also SO RANDOM to me how you're friends with my middle school friends like Paige or people I went to high school with like Livi and some others who went to even a different high school! The community in Boise must be so much more close knit than anything we have here in Utah.


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