Thursday, November 3, 2016
this morning i met my best friend in boise at a coffee shop to say goodbye before she moves across the country. and then i drove home, put teddy down for a nap, consumed an gigantic muffin, and had an emotional breakdown.
i cried because i already miss her.
i cried because teddy was sleepy and being a rascal, and made our goodbye feel even more rushed than it already was. i cried because things like friends moving makes me feel old. i cried because this renovating process has been so much longer, and more difficult and emotional that i imagined it would be; and we still haven't even moved. i cried because this election legitimately scares me. i cried because i miss my mom and my sister, and i'm jealous of people around here whose entire family live within a 15 mile radius of them, and even though i enjoy the space gid and i have, i secretly wish i had that kind of family support system too, and courtney was the closest thing i had to that here.
and i cried because even though my life feels so good right now-- (five years ago if you'd told me that in 2016 i'd have a darling little boy, gid would have a terrific job, we'd be moving into our first home, and i'd have more opportunity to work than i could take on, i would've thrown a party to celebrate.)-- even with that, some days it feels like i'm still trying to figure out what the heck i'm doing with my life.
and i think, for me at least, that's just how it is. maybe there will always be a whisper in the back of my mind asking me when i'm going to finally get myself together.
but, "together" according to who? who am i comparing myself to? certainly, there's people out there who are more "put together" than i, but certainly there's also people who have just as little (or less) of an idea of what they're doing with their life.
i guess what i'm saying is that i think we're all just faking it sometimes.
(sometimes not. sometimes i can be a boss. and i know you can too.)
but sometimes i think we're faking it a little. and i think that's okay.
i miss my friend.