Friday, January 27, 2017


i've been a worse version of myself lately.
maybe the last few weeks of snow storms has finally gotten to me.

lately my patience (the one thing i feel like i'm normally on top of) has been so thin. his cry bugs me. his constant playful head butts (yesterday he got me in the nose while i was rocking him to sleep and afterwards i could taste blood in my throat); things that i used to chuckle at are making me scream inwardly with frustration. i'm tired. sleep has been escaping me more than usual, and the combination of that with everything else going on has made me this swamp witch in pajamas eating cereal directly from the box and waiting angrily for my husband to come home. (and i'm sure he's loving coming home to me, lately. sarcasm.)

lately i've been doing that thing where you count to ten and breathe. it works most of the time. ben and jerry's helps (until i step on the scale). youtube helps too sometimes. i promised myself i wouldn't turn to screen time, but you know- desperate times.

lately it's starting to really get to me that my skin and hair have been so weird since i had him. i don't feel like myself when i look in the mirror. why don't i feel like myself? do i need to lose weight? do i need to chill out? shower more?? finish my new years resolutions??! all i want to do is binge watch mindless tv on one screen, and online shop on another. i'm pathetically missing my laptop- right now i'm writing on an ipad (because the desktop is too much work), and typing takes about 10 times as long with about 10 times as many typos. (am i seriously complaining about the number of devices in my home right now??? i'm the worst.)

i'm frustrated about the news swirling around right now. i'm frustrated about a post my friend wrote casually dismissing the women's march like she's the only person affected or not affected by it. i'm frustrated at so much division when the goal, always, is for unity. i'm frustrated that i never have all the right answers when i want so badly to know how to fix things.

i'm in a dangerous ironic cycle of wanting to replace things in our home, and also wanting to simplify and minimize the objects in my life to make room for things that matter.
things like little cries and painful head butts.

and those previews for the movie "a dog's purpose" are killing me. i sob so easily when i see them. what does that mean? do i want a dog? do i just miss my childhood dog so much it still hurts even though it's been over 15 years? (the answer to both questions is a soft and firm "yes".) my favorite commercial right now is that subaru one where the dad dog is trying to get the baby dog to sleep. that one makes me cry too. what's the matter with me?!

my parents are in new zealand taking a well deserved vacation and i miss my mom facetiming me for no reason. i hope when teddy grows up he notices when i don't facetime him.

this week was annoying and i'm over it. 

here's a picture of my ferocious baby bear.

he's not so bad, i guess.
happy friday.

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